I have been musing for some time on what wisdom really is. The serenity prayer, widely attributed to Reinold Nieburg, an American theologian. “Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to know the difference” is a building principle of the 12 steps program followed by millions around the world. That prayer(-affirmation for me) implies that wisdom encompasses discrimination. And it does. However, wisdom, in my humble experience, also encompasses courage and intuition in addition to discrimination. All principles are necessary to carry out behavior based on wisdom. Discrimination uses the power of the mind to discern what is desirable and what is not. However, intuition comes from something greater. It comes from the heart and the “gut”, a direct link to a power greater than oneself if we learn to listen to it. So mind, heart and intuition are stepping stones in finding the wisdom to know the difference.
Recently, I told my grandson a story from his dad and his uncle’s childhood. He is 7 y.o and he often requests stories from their childhood. This particular evening, he was feeling sad about having to go back to school after a fun 3 day weekend. I expressed a lot of empathy first. Then I needed to cheer him up. So I told him this story.
“When your dad was 9 y.o and your uncle was 7, I had been playing a chasing game with their 2 y.o sister, your aunt. It was bedtime. I came back to my bedroom and noticed that a $50 bill on my desk had disappeared. “What do I do?”, I asked myself. “One of the three took that $50 and it is not the 2 y.o.!”, I mused…
Pondering what to do so I could nip the behavior in the bud without unnecessary drama, I came upon this idea…
I gathered your dad, your uncle and your aunt into a circle and I told them the story of Pinocchio”.
“Do you know the story of Pinocchio?” I asked my grandson. He shook his head no.
“Ah! It is a fable like the fable of Aladin. Pinocchio was a wooden little boy made lovingly by an old childless woodcarver, Jepetto. He always longed for a son and so he lovingly carved Pinocchio out of a piece of wood to make a puppet for the children of the neighborhood . Soon Pinocchio became real and Jeppeto was overjoyed. There was a big problem though! Pinocchio lied a lot! Unbeknownst to Pinocchio, when he lied, his nose grew an inch… So that if he lied too much, his nose got really long giving away the fact that he had been lying.”
My grandson listened riveted to the story. “Then what happened?” he asked eagerly.
“Well, your daddy and your uncle were listening to the story like you are right now. They were really still. I was mostly talking to their little sister. She was happy to be included in the circle since being with her big brothers was always exciting.” So I continued. “The problem with lying so much like Pinocchio did’, I said to their sister,”is that when someone lies their nose may not grow like Pinocchio but their heart will feel heavy, their tummy will be filled with butterflies and the lie will continue to grow inside of them like a dark cloud making it difficult to find peace”.
“So, I had a $50 bill on my desk earlier tonight. And now it is no longer there”, I continued looking at each of the boys. “Someone has taken it. And I feel bad for whoever took it because he or she will feel that dark heavy cloud. And it will continue to grow unless the right action of bringing the money back is taken. When that person brings the money back, he or she will not be in trouble with me. Doing the right thing by bringing the money back is the most important thing to do.” The boys looked at me intently. “All right, time to go to bed…” I scooted them out of the bedroom and put their sister to bed. Then I kissed each of the boys goodnight.
“Then I waited”, I continued to tell my grandson. “And do you know what happened?” He shook his head no. “Ten minutes later, I hear little footsteps down the hall to my bedroom. In comes your uncle… ‘Mommy,’ I took the money and I am bringing it back to you.” “Oh! Sweetheart! I am so happy you chose to do the right thing! Now I know you have peace and you will sleep easy!”
My grandson loved the story. He giggled with me at his uncle’s antics and he went happily to sleep.
Wisdom impregnated my mind, my heart and my gut that night long ago. I had a strong hunch I follow this approach to a potentially difficult issue. I used discrimination. However, discrimination and discernment in this situation were not enough to guide me to the right action for this thorny situation. A hunch on the story of Pinocchio was born out of intuition and a gut feeling. Intuition is a clear insight into the right path of action for a particular event, it encompasses a knowing different from a cognitive knowledge. It came from both the heart and the gut for me that night. The best part was that I was able to follow my hunch and it worked!
Sometimes, it can take days before intuition kicks in to reveal the wise path forward. Long ago, I found myself in a dire financial situation. I had two kids in college and a third in private school. My husband lost his corporate job. For 3 years, I did not know if we were going to survive financially or not.
One day, he decided to pursue his own path and start his own business. He came to me and said: “I need to use our IRA savings to start this business”. I was taken by surprise as we had not yet discussed the financial aspect of his new venture. “I need a few days to think it over”, I responded. Inside,I was full of fear. For 3 years, I had given my all to our family’s survival with my clinical practice. Fortunately, we had been able to hold onto our home. It had been a total miracle. I had not known I would have the mettle to pull it off. And now this? Our last savings into an unknown venture with no assurance of success as most small businesses go belly up in the first three years of starting them.
I was full of fear. I did not share that state of mind with him, though. I talked to a trusted friend who knew us both. Then finally, on the third, the right thought came to me. “Love is stronger than fear,” I decided. I could not refuse him because then surely fear won and I would give him the message “I do not believe in you”. I did not want to give him after 25 years of marriage. And I loved him too much for that. So I found the courage -coeurage (coeur (“ heart”) in French) to do what I could and the wisdom to know the difference. I am happy to say that his business took off after 3 years of hard work. I finally exhaled in that third year. I had accepted what I could not change, I changed what I could and I learned the wisdom to know the difference. It was another monumental lesson in this life for me.
Wisdom encompasses courage and discernment while demanding that we always stand up to fear. Today I am eternally grateful for that wisdom. In my view of life, wisdom connects us directly to a power greater than ourselves. It helps us to learn to behave in all circumstances and live a life well lived.
Image by Peggy und Marco Lachmann-Anke from Pixabay