Curiosity is as natural to us as learning to walk and talk are. Actually, curiosity propels the baby to standing up and toddle. Curiosity fosters discovery which fosters learning and fosters brain growth and psychological balance. In adulthood, we may lose the wonder of discovery so essential to learning in a child, which is why cultivating curiosity brings about emotional growth.
I recently had the delight to play with a 5-year old’s insatiable curiosity. He happens to be my grandson, so obviously I have an inherent bias. I am sitting outside at his house in the beauty of the early morning. I usually wake up early around 5 am and I adore the peace and quiet of the morning before dawn. The air is crisp and a little nippy at that time even in the summer. Humans are still tucked away in their bed, floating in dreamland, letting nature wake without all the chaos that humans engender in their hustle and bustle.
As I am reveling in the song of birds, and the fading stars, I hear the door behind open. My grandson appears.
“What are you doing outside Mimi?” he asks?
“Oh, hi honey!” I say… “You are awake. Come sit with me and snuggle under the blanket I have.”
I proceed to tell him what I am doing. I am listening to birds, I am breathing slowly, I am reading about yogis.
“What are yogis, Mimi?” he asks.
“Hummm, yogis are people that meditate, practice yoga to learn to master their bodies and their minds so that they can achieve great peace,” I answer.
“Why are you reading about them, Mimi?” he asks after a little while.
“I am reading about yogis because I want to feel peace inside my chest, because I want to feel happy also” I answer. “Do you want to feel happy?” I ask.
He nods enthusiastically.
“How do yogis feel happy?” he asks after a pause.
“They feel happy because they slow down their breath, and that slows down their heart. When their heart slows down they feel peace. After, the yogis breathe slow for a while longer and they feel joy, they feel happy,’ I answer.
“How do they breathe slow?” is his next query.
“Let me show you how and we can then do it together.”
No questions follows our breathing exercise so I ask him: “Do you feel calm in your chest?”
He nods enthusiastically.
“I love spending this time with you, Theo,” I tell him. “I feel happy doing this with you. Do you feel happy in your heart?” He snuggles more in response.
We all come into the world, curious, open, spontaneous, and innocent the way Theo was with me that morning. Then we lose some of our childlike qualities to conform to the necessity of adulting, and actualizing. In that pursuit of adulthood, we inevitably abandon spontaneity and wonder, except in the domain of friendships, love and play (which constitutes anything that brings pleasure and/or achievement)
We never lose the capacity for curiosity, we just lose sight of cultivating it. We may encounter difficult handicaps that thwart and diminish our capacity to hone curiosity. Yet, when the conditions are ripe, we can flourish emotionally by opening our minds and hearts to its power.
I often direct the couples I work with to return to the open stance of curiosity about their own experience while remaining open and curious about the emotional experience of their partner. And they look at me like I am speaking Chinese!
In a way, I am speaking Chinese because we ignore curiosity as mattering in matters of marital strife. Curiosity matters in marital strife because it changes the stance from attack or flee (hard feeling) to being open and flexible with curiosity (soft feelings) when stress and misunderstanding occur. It is hard to stay open and curious while stressed by your partner. It is hard to stay curious about another when misunderstanding hits the heart. It is hard to switch from fear and/or anger to curiosity and openness! Some of my couples exclaim: “I cannot do it! I try and then I lose it again and I clam up.” Or “I try and I lose my cool again!”
“Yes, it is hard. I recognize that. So the first step is to pause!” I respond sympathetically. “It is like a salmon needing to spawn and swimming against the current of the river. Our attention is always pulled outwards, toward the environment scanning for possible obstacles. We are also continuously pulled to others in relational matters.” To pause is an act of will and we need to be convinced that it is worth the effort.
I call curiosity our highest capacity. Why, you may wonder, would I say it like that. Curiosity engages the observer aka the prefrontal cortex (allows for a soft approach to the other). Fear and anger engage the adrenaline driven amygdala, the fight flight system of the nervous system (results in a hard approach to the other). Our heart beat speeds up and we are in sympathetic activation. By contrast, curiosity engages the prefrontal cortex which calms the sympathetic activation and reengages the breath in a slow pace. So pausing activation i.e. pausing the attention system then focusing on breath intentionally allows for deactivation system of the nervous system.
Next, after calming the breath, is to turn the attention inside (not outside) of our being. And now we are back to slowing the breath to find peace and happiness in the heart, the pursuit of yogis and buddhist monks (and nuns)! We all desire happiness. That is a primordial reason to learn to pause!
Turning the attention inside requires curiosity. Inquiry into one’s own experience is like turning the flashlight of attention inside ourselves. That act, the Buddha says, leads to insight, aka sight turned inside to oneself. Cultivating curiosity hinges on our unique capacity as humans to be aware. Unlike animals, we as humans can even be aware of being aware!
When couples understand that utilizing curiosity leads to peace and happiness together, they are supremely motivated to work at the challenge. When a human understands that curiosity about one’s reactions is a key to balance and inner peace, a huge capacity for compassion develops in the heart. And love and understanding flow delightfully together with compassion. That is why I planted the seed in my grandson’s heart and mind that learning to breathe slowly brings joy and happiness. Now I am ready to water that seed of curiosity, play and practice with him again and again, borrowing his sense of wonder!